Money: The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.

They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is -- look how many things it is though.

They say money can't buy friends. It can, however, rent a few now and then.

They also say that money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position.

As for money buying happiness, do you really think the guy with 250 million is any happier than a guy with only 200 million?

When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.

I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.

Double your money! Fold over once and put it in your pocket.

A Penny Saved Is... "Not Much"

They say that money talks. Mine always says "Good bye!"

Money is the root of all money!

1. - If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. - If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

3. - If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

4. - If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

5. - If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

6. - If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

7. - If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

8. - Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

9. - If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

10. - If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck (hey, it's the 2000's), divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

11. - If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.

* It's okay... I'm still billing the client.

* They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

* This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

* I was working smarter, not harder.

* Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

* I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

* I'm in the management-training program.

* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

* I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

* Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

* The coffee machine is broken....

* Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

* I was cross-training for telecommuting.

* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

* I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

1. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

3. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11

10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space crafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

* A walking argument to support prenatal elimination and reduction of adverse gene pools.

* A room temperature IQ.

* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

* When faced with any adversity, this person would blindly lead them into the fray and persevere until everyone was dead.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* On an charisma scale of one to ten, with ten being best, would score repeatedly in double digit negative numbers.

* A prime candidate for natural deselection.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Has the personality of a rock, and that is insulting to granite.

* As a leader, would be followed by others only by object curiosity about disasters in action.

* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

* So dense, light bends around him.

* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

3. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

4. Repeat every third third word you say say say

5. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

6. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

7. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

8. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

9. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

10. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

11. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

12. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

13. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

14. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

15. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

16. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

17. Accuse your date of espionage.

18. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

19. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask you how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't give a damn.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN _Commercial Appeal_ on
Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- He who hesitates is probably right.

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.

- Success always occurs in private, and failure always occurs in full view.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- Two wrongs are only the beginning.

- Monday is an awful way to spend 14.3% of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

- If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

- Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

- Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

- I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

- I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

- Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

- A day without sunshine is like night.

- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Money:

The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.

They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is -- look how many things it is though.

They say money can't buy friends. It can, however, rent a few now and then.

They also say that money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position.

As for money buying happiness, do you really think the guy with 250 million is any happier than a guy with only 200 million?

When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.

I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.

Double your money! Fold over once and put it in your pocket.

A Penny Saved Is... "Not Much"

They say that money talks. Mine always says "Good bye!"

Money is the root of all money!

1. Drive through backwards.

2. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

3. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

4. Walk through.

5. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak perfect English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

6. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

7. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

8. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pick up your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

9. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this list, you forward it to a friend!

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.