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With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

Note: These appeared in the Memphis, TN _Commercial Appeal_ on
Wednesday, 12 May, 1998.

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- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- He who hesitates is probably right.

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.

- Success always occurs in private, and failure always occurs in full view.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- Two wrongs are only the beginning.

- Monday is an awful way to spend 14.3% of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

- If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

- Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

- Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

- I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

- I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

- Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

- A day without sunshine is like night.

- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


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Money:

The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.

They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is -- look how many things it is though.

They say money can't buy friends. It can, however, rent a few now and then.

They also say that money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position.

As for money buying happiness, do you really think the guy with 250 million is any happier than a guy with only 200 million?

When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.

I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.

Double your money! Fold over once and put it in your pocket.

A Penny Saved Is... "Not Much"

They say that money talks. Mine always says "Good bye!"

Money is the root of all money!

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1. Drive through backwards.

2. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

3. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

4. Walk through.

5. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak perfect English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

6. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

7. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

8. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pick up your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

9. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

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1. Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break.

2. Was the "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way around?

3. This whole plant will be running under Windows 95 tomorrow.

4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?

5. Who forgot to pay the water bill?

6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT???

7. Meet your new plant superintendant: Homer Simpson

8. A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?

9. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.

10. It's Russian technology.

11. Move over Three Mile Island - here we come!!!

12. Sniff, sniff... you smell that?

13. I used to work at Chernobyl.

14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!

15. It's your turn to wax the core.

16. How come all the big shots are leaving?

17. Is that a 60 minute file crew out there?

18. Is this part really necessary?

19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it though.

20. Look at the good news, we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

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1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

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1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this list, you forward it to a friend!

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1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down narrow aisles.

* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come Robin--to the Bat cave!"

* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.


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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

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Ellen Degeneres virus............. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus..............Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus........................... Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus.............................Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus......................Quits after one byte

Prozac virus...............Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Sharon Stone virus............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Lorena Bobbit virus..................Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Tim Allen virus...........Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact

Woody Allen virus....................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus..............Won't let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus.................Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

George Michaels virus......Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

Joey Buttafuoco virus..............Only attacks minor files

X-files virus..................All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus.........................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus................Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus...........Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Martha Stewart virus.....Takes all your files, sorts them by catagory and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

Oprah Winfrey virus.........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T virus............Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus....Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp...yada yada yada!

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! Do you know how many engineers I would have to hire to figure how to do it? No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a few minutes and then said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

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1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

6. How did a fool and his money get together?

7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

10. What's another word for thesaurus?

11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

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Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Champaign, IL

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
- Mens Room, Linda's Bar and Grill., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

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These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh*ts. [words in ( )'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life."

"And whose clock is that?", said Hillary.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS CLOWN: Big hands!

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What a Little Grammar Mistake Can Do

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

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10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are diving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page

2. So does your hamster.

.... And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

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When people get on, ask for their tickets.

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?"

When the doors close, menacingly announce that "It's going to be a bumpy ride."

Constantly bounce a tennis ball.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!"

Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing.

Take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Push your floor button with your nose.

Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Ride naked.

Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

Talk to people about the "golden age of elevators in the 50's."

Jump rope.

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Ask, "Did you feel that? I felt a rumble."

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1. Your car stalls and you need to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL to get it to start up again.

2. Your microwave comes with Windows 2000 pre-loaded.

3. The first thing you see is a C:\ prompt when you turn on your calculator.

4. Getting that cashier job at the local supermarket requires experience in C++, HTML, ORACLE and JAVA.

5. Wristwatches come equipped with hard drives.

6. Toilets flush at 600 mhz and come equipped with 32 megabytes of ram.

7. That simple, easy-to-use dial on the toaster is replaced with a CRT showing an icon menu.

8. Your sewing machine will not operate without a 56 kbps internet connection.

9. The TV has a START button in the corner of the screen.

10. You activate your newborn child's web site and internet email address before filling out the birth certificate.

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1. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

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1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

29. Never pass a snow plow on the right.

30. If you can smile when everything goes wrong, you probably don't understand the problem.

31. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

32. Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

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During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

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Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" wo
uld pretty much do it.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, t

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.here was a good reason why I skipped it.

9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

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At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

* You want = You want

* We need = I want

* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

* We need to talk = I need to complain

* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

* Yes = No

* No = No

* Maybe = No

* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?")

* The same old thing = Nothing

* Nothing = Everything


* Everything = My PMS is acting up

* Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk

* I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

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If you plan to approach your boss for a salary increase, then here is a true story from which you might learn something!!

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employee.

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to our company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
$teven $tana$a$kis


The next day, the employee received this reply:

Dear Steven,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world\'s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.Salary...Salary...Salary...

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker-night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Sir,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to
uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long
as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"

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A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.


The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

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Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."

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1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

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A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

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