Money: The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.

They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is -- look how many things it is though.

They say money can't buy friends. It can, however, rent a few now and then.

They also say that money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position.

As for money buying happiness, do you really think the guy with 250 million is any happier than a guy with only 200 million?

When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.

I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.

Double your money! Fold over once and put it in your pocket.

A Penny Saved Is... "Not Much"

They say that money talks. Mine always says "Good bye!"

Money is the root of all money!

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1. - If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. - If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

3. - If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

4. - If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

5. - If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

6. - If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

7. - If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

8. - Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

9. - If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

10. - If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck (hey, it's the 2000's), divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

11. - If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

3. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

4. Repeat every third third word you say say say

5. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

6. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

7. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

8. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

9. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

10. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

11. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

12. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

13. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

14. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

15. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

16. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

17. Accuse your date of espionage.

18. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

19. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

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1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

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These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.""For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

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1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines?

6. How did a fool and his money get together?

7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?

8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

10. What's another word for thesaurus?

11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"

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The question that everyone has been dying to know...Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives calledinto question.

MOSES: and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your import documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chicken, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such ways that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon you frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

I didn't look up the original reference.

These data are practically meaningless.

An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

The other results didn't make any sense.

This is the prettiest graph.

I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.




I think.

A couple of others think so, too.


Rumour has it.

A wild guess.

Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

I don't understand it.

They don't understand it either.

Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

I quit.

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Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."


(See above - Same sign, different title)

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

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* It's okay... I'm still billing the client.

* They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

* This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

* I was working smarter, not harder.

* Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

* I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

* I'm in the management-training program.

* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

* I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

* Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

* The coffee machine is broken....

* Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

* I was cross-training for telecommuting.

* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

* I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

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1. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

3. "Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11

10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12

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1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space crafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

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Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."

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* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

* A walking argument to support prenatal elimination and reduction of adverse gene pools.

* A room temperature IQ.

* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

* When faced with any adversity, this person would blindly lead them into the fray and persevere until everyone was dead.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* On an charisma scale of one to ten, with ten being best, would score repeatedly in double digit negative numbers.

* A prime candidate for natural deselection.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Has the personality of a rock, and that is insulting to granite.

* As a leader, would be followed by others only by object curiosity about disasters in action.

* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

* So dense, light bends around him.

* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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The following are purportedly a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (that is, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

1. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

What for? He can't see my license plate.

2. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

3. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

Always wear a condom.

4. When driving through fog, what should you use?

Your car.

5. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

6. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

7. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

8. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

The color.

9. How do you deal with heavy traffic?

Heavy psychedelics.

10. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

Carry loaded weapons.

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Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

3. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

4. Repeat every third third word you say say say

5. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

6. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

7. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

8. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

9. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

10. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

11. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

12. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

13. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

14. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

15. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

16. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

17. Accuse your date of espionage.

18. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

19. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

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10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask you how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't give a damn.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

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